So this is going to be more a brain dump than a legitimate blog post.
I’ve been spinning in circles for the last couple weeks. In true overthinker fashion, I’ve been struggling with the question of working hard and balance. I was kicking this idea around with my accountability partner/good friend over a 5am phone call and we had a watershed moment.
Midway through the conversation we stumbled across a couple thoughts that (for good or for bad) will be guiding light when this question comes up again in the future. Which, knowing myself, will likely happen.
The last couple weeks, as I’ve noted, I’ve been working like I was trying to pay off all my student loans in a month. This has meant 17-18 hour days. 5am calls with accountability partners. Working 3 weekends out of the month. (#Humblebragging) Basically being at work every time I opened my eyes. I thought I was being disciplined. I wanted certain things at a certain time and, by golly, I was going to make sure that I did everything I could to make sure that these goals got accomplished.
I would struggle with myself whenever I would feel tired or want to sleep in. Reminding myself that Hard Work is what successful people did. That applying myself now would lead to greater rewards in the future. I would wake up bleary-eyed. My eyes would sometimes lose focus and I would find myself making mistakes that I wouldn’t normally. I was burning the candle from both ends.
Using up all the midnight oil. Buckling down. Busy as a cat on a hot tin roof.
Going the extra mile….(ok, I think I’m done)
During this conversation, I finally asked myself “why”?
“Why was I working so hard? Assuming certain things to be true about my faith:
- God cares about me.
- God can & will provide
- God has & will be with me throughout my life
Why was I working my fingers to the bone (found another metaphor for hard work!) when God hadn’t needed my help to accomplish the things that I am most proud of?
The truth was I didn’t trust God.
I didn’t trust God to provide what I thought I needed (when I thought I would need it)
I didn’t trust God.
Isn’t that something? After all this time. All the moments where I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had my back, that He had come through in the clutch..and I didn’t trust Him for a couple small things that weren’t happening on my timeline.
In the words of Kanye West, “Man, people are funny”…Ok, I don’t think it was Kanye West who came up with that.
Couple verses that came to my attention today, courtesy of a accompanying series that Rick Warren is doing about creating a life of margin.
“It is vain for you to rise up early, tor retire late. To eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” – Proverbs 127:2
“Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil.” – Proverbs 15:16
You know why I struggle with this balance?
Because for me this is really a battle between my need for control and admitting that I have none. The answer “Trust God” is very unsatisfying to my analytical, Type-A, Google-calendar checking personality.
And yet..it’s oddly comforting and Free-ing.
God has told me at certain times in my life that I need to “turn up” professionally. Work 2 jobs, wake up early, and go to bed late. And He’s always provided the strength for those times. As well as the job’s or business opportunities.
I guess I just need to let go of my need to control and KNOW and just trust Him to direct me when the time is right.
..Here’s to letting go of control (and trying to let it stay let go of)
Fly or Fall.