Different Path, Self-Therapy

Forgiving oneself: A primer

This is a follow up to the love you deserve post. Only feelings that deserved to die were murdered during the making of this post.

So. For some of us during this thing called life, we will make decisions we regret. We will maybe hurt people we didn’t mean to. We may do things that a later version of ourselves (i.e. You 2.0) may look back upon in wonderment, awe, and dismay. These mistakes, whether big or small, may grow muscles and lungs, and take on a life of their own. They may use their strength and voice to later accuse us of being something less than who we really are. People from our past may agree with these loud, muscle bound mistakes. In fact, there may be a general consensus as to who you are to a great many people.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, these mistakes, and the people who saw them born cannot know who you are today. They may have missed your “damascus road” moment. They may not have been present when you moved away from your old self. They may not have seen you peel off your old self like  a snake skin. They may have missed the hours, days, and years that you slaved away at becoming someone unrecognizable to them. Your now different inside. They can’t see the brand new skin on your heart. Or the scars from the operation that replaced your thought patterns.

So you can’t really blame these people. You can’t be mad at them. For not having X-ray emotional vision.

But you can’t believe them. You have to decide they’re liars. Not on purpose. But because they don’t know any better.

You have to decide to forgive yourself. You have to decide to believe what someone else says about you. Someone whose opinion is never wrong.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14

Fly.

OFO

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The love we deserve.

Just read a quote that struck me squarely in the eye. 

“We accept the love that we think we deserve.”

How true this is. Excuse my gangsta for a minute while I get soft. #nohomo. The older I get the more I realize that life is all mental. We only rise as high as our image of ourselves allows us to. We all start helpless, and not many of us start off rich. I know I didn’t. #startingatangent

When I think back to my childhood, when we didn’t have much. I can’t help but ask what separated my parents from the many parents surrounding us. What made our path different? What made me different from Donavan, who ended up in jail? Woo-woo who got caught selling drugs? 

It basically boiled down to their view of life and what they thought about their future, and what they deserved. Their vision for our family led us from where we were, which quickly became the hood, to an area with better schools. Their faith saw a future that didn’t exist yet and found a way to create it. But their future-vision can only be explained by their past-experience.

So how does this relate the the previously mentioned quote?

For me I know it does. I’ve made my share of mistakes. *cues Jay-z “Regrets”*  I’m a perfectionist. I’m hard on myself. I sometimes  feel like I don’t deserve love. A love that is everything I desire. 

There’s a quote from a song that I can relate to from frank ocean..

“I dont believe my hands are cleanly/ I can’t believe you let me touch your heart” 

 

As a result ..sometimes I stop myself from pursuing the women who really catch my interest. I don’t let women close enough to really know the whole me, in order to prevent them from rejecting me.  So I know that the first battle I have to win, is not the fear of talking to beautiful women. Its believing that I deserve a wife. That I don’t have to be perfect. That my mistakes don’t count me out. Seemingly simple things to accept..but easier to accept in theory than in practice. 

Working on Flying. 

OFO

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On Running.

2013-01-11 18.47.38So, I was running.  On a paved sidewalk.  And I fell. “How?”  you ask. I think someone pushed me. (Nobody pushed me.) Or there was a broken piece of pavement (The pavement was newly paved). Or my shoes were untied. (They were newly tied and tight as a second skin).

One in a million chance I might have not been paying attention. [I definitely was not paying attention]

For some reason, I’m the type that believes that everything happens for a reason. And I’m always looking for the moral to the story. Anyway, as I bled from my hands on the way back home,  I got to thinking what I could learn from this.

1. Running is for suckas

2. “if you going to do it n***a do it.” – Andre 3000 – If i’m going to run (or do anything) Do it wholeheartedly, don’t drag your feet or half-a$$ it. I think I was tired and so I wasn’t lifting my knees like I should have.

3. If your pushing yourself, you might get hurt. Keep running.

4. You can’t worry about the 7 million witnesses [in their air conditioned cars, who are stopped at the red light] to your embarrassment, just clean yourself off and get back to running. Eventually that red light will change and there will be a new batch of cars who only see you “running round and gettin’ it”.

5. Life happens. Protect ya neck. Or at least the Ipod touch with an appropriate insurance policy. Or otter box.

6. Use your pain. For a blog post. For a personality change. To create a new habit. To stop a bad one. Don’t let your pain go to waste.

7. Don’t sleep. Don’t get lazy. Sometimes the pavement can trick you into thinking its safe because its more civilized. Its not. Sidewalks are dangerous. Love is dangerous. Pushing yourself is dangerous. On the unpaved road your more aware of the danger that is inherent in life.

Run, Fly, [and sometimes]/or Fall.

OFO

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2013: Resolved

Its brand new. Shiny. Freshly Minted. its still got that new year smell to it. What are we going to do with all this time seemingly stretched out before us? 365 days to change our lives for the better. 

Around this time we usually set goals. Make resolutions. Timelines. Vision Boards. Paragraphs committed to our new commitments.

I’m no different. In years past, I would construct multi-bulletted, multi-genre, comprehensive plans to outline the things I hoped to accomplish that year. This year the resolutions have become more focused. More precise. Hopefully more unified. 

This year I only have one main resolution. You ready for it? After such an amazing preamble you’d expect a resolution that reads like a mission statement for apple huh?

I want to Live Fully, Tackling Fear Head On! 

Please, please, hold the confetti. 

Image 

Looking back on the past year, I’ve made some good progress, tackled some goals and succeeded at them. Failed at some others. In general I think I pushed myself a little further than I thought I could, but also between the success and behind them I can spy out the laziness and fear that held me back from truly being amazing. Last year was a good year. But it could have been better. 

The easiest place for me to spot that fear/laziness is in social situations. Now, there is probably nobody who really knows me that would say I’m socially awkward. Or uncomfortable..except for the ridiculously beautiful women I truly truly like. I become like rainman when I’m around em..or a parody of TI. smh. Its ridiculous. And counterproductive. For  a long while, I would consciously use this shyness to keep myself out of trouble. Cause I knew that as long as I was shy I could use that shyness as a shield to protect myself from the temptations that came with interactions with certain people.

Or with consistency with certain relationships. I’d use the excuse that my demanding career took precedence over relationships and in order for me to get to where I need to be I had to be selfish and make decisions that may undercut relationships but that would benefit me career-wise. I no longer think that this is true. I think that this is an excuse to be lazy about being thoughtful to others. 

That time has passed. And perhaps that time/excuse was never here. Only an echo of a good idea that stuck around for too long. 

I’ve always believed that I was meant for more. That I’m not as good as I can be. That there is a greater purpose for my life. This is a story I’ve told myself for years, decades. 

The time to pursue that destiny is now. And has always been now. And I’ve made progress. But, In order to get there I need to be soo much more than I am. And it may not mean I need to totally revamp my whole life and throw out everything i’ve done in the last 28 years. No. Instead I think I need to make those critical choices that will turn me from a steam engine to a monorail.

I believe it’s the small decisions on important things that build up over time to get us to places we couldn’t have imagined when we first made those decisions. The decision to exercise everyday leads to health and wellness in your 40s and 50s. The decision to not make health a priority can lead to diabetes at 37 or even (nowadays) at 18.

I need to attack life. We need to attack life. But the first thing that has to change is our minds. I need to have made certain changes mentally before I can expect to see the fruit in the real world. 

A couple articles that have inspired me coming into the new year:

http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/why-wont-anyone-be-honest-with-you/

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

Enjoy. 

So In 2013, I won’t let shyness hold me back as an excuse. I will make people feel comfortable around me. I will help people understand that I’m not here to reject or judge them but to support them and make them feel loved. I’ll practice the social cues that others have used that have made me feel accepted. I’ll be a better friend. A better brother. A better son. 

I’ll be more consistent. I’ll build relationships and not let them die slow deaths of contact inertia. I’ll send cards, emails, texts, and calls to let the people I care about know that I do in fact care. 

For me this is a goal worth pursuing. 

What’s yours this year?

Fly or Fall. 

OFO

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