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Confusion.


Okay. So I don’t know what to do. I’m at one of those big life junctions where I need to make a decision about which path I want to take. *sigh* Im going to try to think it through via wordpress and see if inspiration hits me. Okay, first a little background – I’m in the final year of my studies..and after years of school I’m having to decide whether I’m going to continue with school and pursue a Residency. Why pursue a residency you ask? I’m glad you asked.
The main reason is Options.
-With a Residency you get the oppurtunity to engage in most of the more clinical positions – so your involved in rounds with doctors, make therapeutic recommendations/changes, and in some states write prescriptions, etc. So Residency’s are usually the gate to these jobs which are usually pushed by academia as the jobs that “Advance” the profession…Why do I care? A couple reasons – I like pushing myself and I want a job that challenges me, asks me to use my creativity, and that pays well. I want to be respected and I want to be on top of my proverbial $hi*. So all these are reasons for me to really to pursue the benefits of a Residency.
However, there are a couple issues as well:
-I have no desire to do a residency. Not even a little. The only real thing pushing me toward one is the thought that I dont want to finally find what I want to do and have to go back and do a residency to be able to tackle it. The jobs I saw in the Hospital – none of them reeally spoke to me. I dont know if this is because i’m burned out from school or if they just all seem boring as watching mud dry. Nah, dont get me wrong there were definitely cool aspects but no one job seemed to contain everything that I dreamed that I’d be doing.
-So what do I see myself doing – actually in my heart of hearts I dream of doing something totally unrelated to pharmacy. The thing is, I’m not exactly sure what that is. I love making music but I dont want to be a starving artist – just not for me sorry. I’m interested in music and movies…lol. Practical I know huh? So i guess its really the age old question – which road do you take? The one less traveled by? The safe practical one? Also on top of that is the thing that really makes it difficult for me:
– I love to excel. I mean I want to be in charge – but during pharmacy school- i felt as if I failed myself b/c I was kind of pulled between two things: 1 love (music) and my career. At the end of pharmacy school – I know that I didnt really apply myself like I should have – and I regret it. So whatever I do I want to fully engage myself in it – but maybe that’s not the smart decision. Maybe I should fund my dreams with my hard work (pharmacy) until my dreams wings are strong enough to fly on its own.
– Also, this may be just a fancy dream but a strong dream for me nonetheless – is to become an entrepreneur and I just feel like school will be an block to even the oppurtunity to try.

In thinking it through – it seems to me that this is simply a question of fear vs. faith. I’m afraid by missing out on a residency i’ll become normal – and lose the passion and satisfaction that comes with hard work, dedication, and a clear goal- which really makes me happy.

In a perfect world – this just boils down to a question of whether I have enough faith to really chase the things that are most important to me. What am I willing to sacrifice? Comfort? the opposite sex? Free time? *shrug* I think at least by talking it out – I can see clearly what the question is. Am I pursuing a residency because i’m afraid of losing a step or being beaten? Am I pursuing a residency because I’m too afraid to really chase my true passions and step out into uncharted territory? If the answer is yes (which i’m starting to feel like it is) I need to man up and really put down concrete goals of what I want to accomplish -now is not the time for second guessing myself. I should be excited that I’m nearing the oppurtunity to really chase the life that I desire. I can no longer “wait a year, wait a year” for the possibility that maybe I might miss an oppurtunity to be a pharmacy big shot. I only get one shot at this life thing. I got to make it count and go balls to the wall! Yes. Decision REACHED.

thanks for listening.

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Wise words from a Decent Man..

“They are a bit younger than you and me, Jack. What they want most of all is, “How will I know God’s guidance? Who should I marry? What career? What should I do? Where should I live?” But God doesn’t guide us most of the time. He wants a relationship. So they want guidance to avoid the fearful thing of making a mistake. God says, “You may make mistakes, your witness to the world is not that you never made a mistake, it’s that I am with you. Lo, I am with you always. So sometimes I might send you a telegram about your next job or your next move or who to marry, but often I won’t.” You have to say, “What do I think God would have me do?” and then do it. All we know is He’s with us and with that we can look at the Goliaths and say, “He’s so big I can’t miss him,” and go take that sucker on.” – Bruce Larson

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